Say what you will about George Steinbrenner, but his track record of success can’t be argued. He’s a polarizing figure, a man who inspires loathing and admiration at once, depending which side of the Yankee fence you sit on.

I myself am a Yankee-hater.  I have little fondness for dynasties, unless they happen to my teams.  I’m still waiting on that.  Seeing as how the Yankees are most certainly not my team, I was inclined to scoff when I first heard reports of his “pep talk” to the team following an abysmal start.  Steinbrenner used a press release to rail against the effort and performance of his baseball team. 

But the more I thought about it, the more I think ol’ George might be onto something.  I’d be pissed too of my $200 million investment performed like New York has this year.  Maybe people do need a swift kick in the pants now and then.  Perhaps they should know exactly what you think of their work. 

So I decided I’d give it a shot.  Since I have no employees to boss around, I first considered an office communiqué detailing the shortcomings of all of my coworkers.  Luckily, something in my subconscious kept me from doing that.  Something about those who live in glass houses comes to mind.  Who, then, should I deliver my message of consternation to?

Why, the Average Jane, of course.  She’s perfect for the job.  So I drafted my own press release and left it where I knew she’d see it – in the laundry hamper.  I detailed a list of tasks that she is expected to complete daily.  I reprimanded her for being late with dinner twice last week.  I let her know that she was generally being un-Average Jane-like.

Holy crap, what a disaster!  Not only did she not respond favorably to her instructions, she pretty much did the exact opposite of what she was supposed to do.  Turns out chicks don’t like to be bossed around!  Who knew?  So a long week of demeaning errands and some occasional sleeping on the couch ensued.  Being a 21st century man can be so emasculating sometimes.

Long nights on the couch did come with one positive, though.  I got to catch up on all the spring football coverage I had TiVoed.  If there’s one thing I like about the evolution of televised sports, it’s that you can now watch college spring practice on TV.

We’re talking about practice here! On TV!  ESPNU is leading the way with a bunch of coverage of teams getting ready for next season, and I’m all over it.  I’ll admit that I’m a junkie for this stuff, and televised spring games is like finding an extra beer in the back of the fridge when you thought you were out.  How else would I get to listen to Sylvester Croom talk about what great character his team has while he watches his second-team defense hold his first-teamers to seven points from the analyst’s booth?

What’s next?  It can only be a matter of time before we get into some sweet sports-themed reality TV.  I’m not talking about documentaries dealing with a season, or competitions where NFL players compete at tug of war.  I’m talking about college football players with camcorders as they hit the town after a big win.  Or when they meet with boosters.  Or when they’re getting chewed out at halftime.  If practice is on TV, everything is fair game now in my book.

On the subject of televised awkwardness, I’m sure many of you saw the NFL draft last Saturday.  It was near impossible to watch that and not feel sorry for Cal quarterback Aaron Rodgers as he waited in the green room for hours on end.  There were six players at the draft, and the rest were gone in the top 10.  Rodgers, a smart guy who should be a good NFL player, was forced to wait around almost until the second round, when the Packers took him at No. 24.  The poor guy was left hanging for about five hours, like the fat kid at the eighth grade dance.  His agent tried to sooth his bruised ego, but few of us have had to endure that sort of nationally-televised embarrassment. 

The last laugh will come from Rodgers on this one, though.  While Monday Morning Quarterbacks across the country laughed at Rodgers’ misfortune, the football gods rewarded his patience.  While Alex Smith will suffer through an awful season behind San Francisco’s mish-mash offensive line, Rodgers just got a ticket to the Best Job in the World – backup NFL quarterback.  Basically, Rodgers will be paid a million dollars or so to go to practice and stand around on the sideline with a clipboard while he watches an aging Hall of Famer operate.  Hell, I’d gladly subject myself to five hours of televised embarrassment in exchange for that.  I don’t know how smooth Rodgers is with the ladies, but if you can’t run some tail in Wisconsin as a Packers player, you’re just not trying.  He’s also got the exotic (to Wisconsiners) California thing going on.  Seriously, the guy now has it made.  And when Favre decides to hang it up, Rodgers should be ready to step in and lead one of the NFL’s great franchises.  Not too shabby.

I must now return to brushing up on my sweet-talk game.  It was pointed out to me (post Average Jane memo) that I’ve got some work to do there.  Indeed, there’s no rest for the wicked.