The optimism of August, as it usually does, turned to a mixed bag of reality as summer turned to fall for the Average Joe.  The Rebels, Saints and Titans all stink.  I have once again proven to myself that I'm not a good bettor.  And I didn't win the Powerball when it was up around $340 million.

In the interest of fairness, though, it hasn't been all bad either.  I have won a couple of bets I should have lost.  My fantasy team has been good, and I've got a solid shot to take home the prize money there.  I've had some good times with old friends.  And certainly not least of all, my desire to see my rivals defeated has been attended to by the football gods.  

They can be tricky, those gods.  I have yet to learn all the best ways to please them, but they have been receptive to some of my sacrifices.  In the interest of full disclosure, and just so I can have a clearly defined plan of attack for the rest of the football season, I'm going to register my complaints about how things have gone so far and make my end of the season wishes.

First, the gripes

1. The Ole Miss offense doesn't know where the end zone is.  The Rebels have offensive stats that lie mostly in the 110s nationally when it comes to scoring.  There is some ability on that side of the ball for the Rebs, but they just can't get it together.  Some days, they can't block anybody.  Other days, penalties and turnovers do them in.  This act is getting old.

2. There are doubts about the future of the Saints.  The Saints may be losers, but as long as they stay in New Orleans, they're my losers.  If they wind up in San Antonio or Los Angeles, I'm going to puke.  Tom Benson better not ever set foot back in the city of New Orleans if he is responsible for stealing the Saints.

3. I'm on a bad run at the window.  I seem to be treading water with my bets this season.  I'm not just getting killed, but the juice is eating away at me, and we all know that if you tread water for long enough, you're going to cramp up and drown eventually.  I had a teaser ruined by Louisville the day it got beat 45-14 by South Florida, for crying out loud.  And I loaded up against Mississippi State on a day when Georgia's kicker missed two field goals that would have covered for me.

4. I'm getting old.  I can barely stay up for the end of Monday Night Football these days.  I'm yawning at 10 p.m.  Hangovers are getting particularly nasty.  

Now, my meager requests
1.  Give me 80 points from Ole Miss in its remaining three games.  The gods may divide the points as they choose between contests against Arkansas, LSU and Mississippi State.  Even if that means two scoreless games followed by an 80-10 beatdown of State.  If the points are divided prudently, the Rebs should win all three games.  In that case, I'm going to need an option on some extra points for a bowl game.  I suggest former third-string quarterback Ethan Flatt be used as the delivery method for said points.

2. Get the Saints back to New Orleans next season.  I know this one's a stretch, but make it happen.  The city needs its team back.  If possible, bring them back sans Tom Benson and Aaron Brooks.  It's fine with me if they tank the rest of the season to get Matt Leinart.  If that doesn't work, get Deuce McAllister healthy again and trade for Eli Manning.

3. Guide my betting.  There are several ways the gods may do this.  I will accept visions or dreams that tell me which teams are going to cover.  If it's absolutely necessary, I will go on a Native American-style vision quest.  I prefer the Biff Tannen method, though.  You remember Biff from "Back to the Future", right?  He's the guy who gets the future sports almanac with all the game results and parlays that knowledge into a thriving business empire.  I'll take that, please.

I give up on the getting old thing.  Freezing my aging process seems like a bit much to ask.  As long as Ole Miss wins a football national championship in my lifetime, that'll be enough.  As far as my required sacrifices for these requests, I'm flexible.  I don't value my worldly possessions much, as evidenced by my offer to drive my car into the river for a win over Kentucky.  I could give up my third television, a bunch of CDs, or even a stereo.  I'm also willing to endure some sort of temporary physical malady, as long as everything returns to normal in a reasonable period of time.  The ball's in your court, football gods.  I will look to the results of this Saturday's Ole Miss-Arkansas game as evidence of your acceptance or denial of these pleas.

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